Category: ~ 2011 Flannery O’Connor Short Fiction Award finalist collection “Foreground”

Painting at Night

When the mountains grow cold and dark around my Mexican city, when night pours into this urban canyon and the wind begins to shake the tall small-paned windows of my house, deep down I feel there is something wrong, and I cannot sleep. This happened a few nights ago, and so I edged away from my sweet wife, bundled up in my warmest coat, and shuffled into my studio to paint.

I had been working for several sessions with a young model, slender and lovely, with urraca – black hair, and mouth tissue – a kind of pout – which stood away from her upper teeth and mandible.

I sat for some time sipping a hot coffee substitute of ground and roasted European grains, grown on Polish fields just downwind from Chernobyl, staring at the painting on the canvas, and pondering the difficulty of catching the essence of Mariana in Venetian Red, Raw Sienna, Cobalt Blue, and Flake White Replacement. Catch her youthful contours, her intelligence, the dark eyes, the downward twists in the corners of her mouth, the lower lip.

The windows rattled, and I was barely able to hear Dawn Upshaw singing Schubert lieder – the words of Johann Wolfgang von Goethe. Something stirred in the corner where Mariana usually sat. It was Lilus our black cat, I assumed, who ghosts around and irritates me with silent messages that I should restore the nocturnal order of snuggle and endless sleep and return to my place under the goose down, beside my softly breathing spouse.

I glanced again at the corner, at Mariana’s stool. There was a form, but it was larger than a cat and seemed to grow as I squinted through my sheepdog eyebrows. I turned down Mr. Schubert and looked again.

Apparently, someone had entered the room without me noticing.

“I didn’t see you enter,” I said, to my love.

“Guten Morgen,” said my visitor, in a voice of undetermined gender and, I suspect, from a hemisphere further east. “Noto que no puedethh dormir,” he said, in lisped Castilian, perhaps something older, less distinct or known. “Waz wirret dir?” he continued , mocking me with Wolfram’s medieval lingo, suggesting nether things, the prostate, the cusp of matters septuagenarian.

I cleared my throat. “Well, which will it be? German or Spanish? What century shall we settle on? What, modern languages out and doggerel in? Plus, uninvited? Whatever happened to introductions? Speak now or has the cat got your tongue?”

“I am your neighbor,” he exclaimed. “Dein Nachbar, vecino, fellow painter – pintor, Mahler, specializing, like you, in the faces of women too young for you. Pretty damsels.” He sneered a grin.

The wind howled, the windows rattled. I took a sip of my un-coffeed drink, now grown cold. I thought a bit and assessed my foe. “Insolent as well as trapped in babble,” I said, “I did not ask for your advice, you know. And it’s not my way to consort with rabble.”

He waved a dandy’s hand across my canvas. “There’s something missing, a je ne thais quoi. Like playing Mozart out of tune. The clarinet pure, the strings verstimmt, a quintet wrecked upon both sharps and flats, the smell of fish, the howl of cats.”

“An artist finds his way, solang’ er strebt,” I rebutted, in Knittelvers, a clever reference to Faust, “Prologue in Heaven,” the translation a little free, from the tip of my tongue: Eric Trunz, Hamburg edition, sixth printing, page twenty-three.

“But it takes so long, “ he said, with garlic breath. “There’s no guarantee. Arbeit macht den Brei. Qué sopa amarga! What scat and mess! I can show you a trick, if – behold the model – you lightly press.” And then, with a carny’s wink and a jab of his elbow, he said, “Pay a little attention, and I’ll do the rest.”

Immediately, I saw what he meant. Mariana’s right eyebrow had risen in a question, her lower lip trembled. The eyes followed me when I walked. My mouth hung agoggle, my face agawk.

“You’re not really young anymore,” he said. “Not much time to come at these things. Unlikely you’ll be known, visited by acolytes, let alone shown.”

He wagged his head at the painted cloth. Again I looked. It was better than Corbet, Manet, Morisot, Van Gogh. My head spun. Then Mariana gave a half-sneezed gentle tubercular cough.

“How would that look to your friends in their studios? Their knees would quake. You’d be compared to masterpieces pilfered by King George and Goering. You’d be in the Hermitage, the Louvre, the Frick, and on TV. And the ladies in pearls and tight dresses, you’ll have them stirring. You’d be the rake.”

The wind blew from the sierra. The doors clattered. “Alright, you ass, I admit I’m hooked. Let’s hear your price, your terms. But everyone knows, you consort with the devil and your goose is stewed, your knight gets rooked.”

I saw him smile, I’m not sure why.

“I like your rhyming, the suggestion of purse, not at all like a fly wrapped tight by his own Knittelvers. And as for the price, ” he said. “I give you perfect likeness, something essentially living, except to the touch. That too, if you think you’re a man, as much as such. But being successful and famous I think is what you want. Life is short, die Kunst ist lang. Just sign here.” He pointed to the bottom of the canvas. “You can’t go wrong.”

“I think I would feel better, if we switched back to prose,” I said. “A mistake could be costly, heaven knows. What’s the gimmick? I assume it’s my soul you’re after.”

“Well, right to the point,” he said. “I give you this, you give me laughter.”

“What?” I said. “Say that again. “

“I repeat,” he said. “I make you Rembrandt, then – no laughing thereafter.”

I thought about that, as quick as I could. It was what it was. A laughing matter.

“I don’t think I like it,” I said. “I couldn’t live without being funny.”

“Alright,” he said. “We’ll settle for something more like money.”

“You could take my soul,” I suggested, planning my pin. I had him here, perhaps even bested. For the simple truth is, though I’m in Mexico, I’m not theological. If I don’t have a soul, he really can’t take it. So when he gives me fame, I just fake it.

“Okay,” he said, and began receding again. “The interview’s over. We’ll talk more later. A little less Knittelvers eases the strain. The truth be known, a four-foot rhythm goes against my grain.”

I put down the brush that I’d held all along. I rubbed my eyes. And all that was left in the corner was a furry lump that swished her tail. It was Lilus our Mexican cat, on top of the stool, eyeing me rudely, staring too long.

“Go to bed,” she said, with mental telepathy. “The night grows pale. Forget what he said, and leave it at that. The Devil is nothing compared to a cat. Your place is in bed when everything blows. There are no short cuts to anywhere, as everyone knows. We do what we do, we snuggle together. Better we sleep the long sleep and stick to small things. By that I mean petting, then painting, then aging, love, purring and prose.”

[In the name of pedantry]
Mephistopheles is making an appearance in Mexico. As Goethe’s creation, he remains German, but of course can speak other languages: here, phrases occur in German, Middle High German, Spanish, and once in French.

Guten Morgen – German for Good Morning!

Noto que no puedeth dormir – Phoneticized Castilian Spanish (for puedes), or does the Devil simply lisp? I notice you can’t sleep.

Waz wirret dir? Medieval German: What is your distress? The ethical question Parzival does not put to the ailing Grail King in Wolfram von Eschenbach’s epic “Parzival,” It is unlikely here that the Devil’s concern is one of ethics.

Dein Nachbar, vecino: German, your neighbor; followed by Spanish, (your) neighbor.

pintor, Mahler: The first word is Spanish for painter; the second, German for painter.

Je ne thais quoi – A phrase that has to be said in French, in this case with a lisp (thais for sais): A certain something.

verstimmt: German for out of tune.

solang’ er strebt: a famous line out of Goethe’s Faust: Der Mensch irrt solang’ er strebt: A person errs as long as (s)he strives.”

Knittelvers: German for a type of four-beat line used in Goethe’s Faust.

Arbeit macht den Brei: A cynical echo of “Arbeit macht frei,” the slogan written over the entrance to Auschwitz? Here the final word is Brei, the German word for hot cereal, or simply a mess – suggesting that what this painter is producing isn’t very good.

Qué sopa amarga! Spanish: What a bitter soup!

Sierra: Spanish for mountains.

Die Kunst ist lang: Part of a famous phrase. Das Leben ist kurz, die Kunst ist lang, used by Mephistopheles in Goethe’s Faust: Life is short, art is long. More babble to confuse and ensnare the neophyte.

iPod Sacred

I am in a bad mood. A foul mood. I have been listening to my personal listening device. I hear a Japanese flute, the sound of running water. The little readout says “sacred” music. That is the problem. Recorded “relaxing” commercially available music is not sacred. Anything labeled sacred, anything that comes up on the little screen, that is commoditized, partner to other uses, one of which is making money, is, says my spleen, un-sacred.

And so I scroll to Dawn Upshaw singing poems by Goethe, set to music by Schubert. Nothing sacred here, just a lovely, uplifting contralto voice.
After that, I scroll to Johann Sebastian Bach’s Mass in B Minor. And then I remember sitting in the protestant Thomas Church, the Thomaskirche, in Leipzig, just before the fall of the Berlin Wall. This is the church where Bach was Cantor for many years. Bach died in 1750, one year after the birth of Goethe. Behind me, up in the choir loft, four people began singing, each following a different thread of the music. Was there a cello? Were there other strings? I heard the words Agnus Dei, Lamb of God, from the Mass. The song was sudden and glorious. I thought to myself, I am sitting in the middle of history.

I would say it was a sacred moment, if I had not just gotten through trashing that word. There were no more than six people below, sitting in the pews. A janitor pushed a wide broom, a member of the clergy arranged things on a table at the base of a large cross. Sun fell through the tall lead glass windows. The music washed over and past me – pulling me toward an earlier event.

Sixty-three years ago, in 1943, Hans and Sophie Scholl, 25 and 22, brother and sister, dropped anti-fascist flyers down through the air vents in the ceiling of die Grosse Aula, the Great Lecture Hall, at the University of Munich, onto the heads of the attending students. Someone betrayed Hans and Sophie. They were arrested by the Gestapo and quickly guillotined. Agents tracked down their accomplices and executed them, as well.

Anita Pilger, one of the student conspirators, 20 years old, with the police on her heels, fled to Leipzig, then, by night, to the Thomaskirche. The attending assistant pastor Karl Bronner locked the doors. The Gestapo threatened to shoot them if they did not open up. Assistant Pastor Karl Bronner, a slim delicate man, asked Anita if she was Protestant. She said she was Catholic. He said it didn’t matter. She was a tall woman. Pastor Bronner asked her to take off her coat and shoes and dress. He put on her shoes and dress. She put on his clothes, his shoes were a little too big. He showed her a door where steps led down to an underground passageway. He gave her instructions. Then he kissed her on the forehead. He said he did not know how to give a proper Catholic blessing.

He pulled the anorak hood down over his head, unlocked the door and let himself out. His pale calves and the slight heel of his shoes were plain to see. Gestapo agent Christian Wegner put a Lugar to the anorak hood and shot Assistant Pastor Karl Bronner dead.

Anita Pilger escaped to Sweden, and then to England. For many years she taught music composition at the University of California at Berkeley. She had one child – a boy, whom she named Karl.

I listened to the four voices singing up in the choir behind me. Was the music sacred or secular? Maybe it was “sacred” as metaphor, as a moment of extreme beauty and meaningfulness, something that resonated with a foreknowledge of Bach, Latin, and German history, including all the currents, the ebb and flood, of grey fascist anger.

Didn’t Bach himself have to walk a narrow line between the religious and the secular? Wasn’t beauty, by its very nature, both secular and glorious – therefore contradictory, and therefore dangerous to the State? Probably not for the producers of relaxing “sacred” music.

If they had been present and set up, they could have recorded and then offered “spiritual” music from “Bach’s own church” – for purchase. I would have been able to download it into my device. The question is, what would it have evoked? Would it have shown Assistant Pastor Karl Bronner, or does that take a different kind of device? The one between the ears.

Rain was falling. He could hear it through the door. He stalled as long as he could. He opened the door, it was dark outside. He hung his head forward as he stepped out. Did the night air smell fresh and clean? He pulled the door closed behind him, and turned.

Gestapo agent Christian Wegner and three armed, cooperating city police stood on the same side of the door for a particular reason. When the small figure stepped out, Christian Wegner was glad she was wearing a hood. She wasn’t even looking at him. With one movement, he placed the Luger against her temple and pulled the trigger. The girl dropped. There was no spray from her blood, because of the hood.

He looked down at the exposed leg. There was hair on it. One of the policemen made a remark about not wanting a leg like that in bed with him. Christian Wegner poked at the body with the toe of his boot. Then he leaned over and pulled at the hood. The head was heavy. A policeman turned on his flash light. They could see that the traitor had short hair. Blood covered the side of her face.

“Ugly,” said one of the policeman.

Something bothered Christian Wegner. His eye began to twitch. Something stirred in his chest, looked for a more comfortable position, with teeth and tail. He ordered the police to pull up her dress. They saw a man’s underwear and evidence of male genitals. Christian Wegner raised the Luger. The policemen lurched backward out of the way. Christian Wegner fired a quick shot into Karl Bronner’s genitals. The ejected shell casing tinkled against the pavement. Then they turned and crashed through the church door in pursuit of Anita Pilger.

Outside, the rain fell on Assistant Pastor Karl Bronner’s exposed legs. The blood from his head seeped until it joined the blood from his underwear. The rain carried the blood to the street, where it found its way around cobblestones, to a drain in front of a building that had been a Cabaret during the Weimar years.

The blood entered the drain. The drain led to an arched underground drainage canal. The canal ran parallel to another underground passageway, the one that led from the Thomaskirche to the Matthiaskirche, the one which Anita Pilger now followed, barefoot, in men’s clothing. She held an altar candle in front of her, shaded with one hand, so she could see forward.

At one point, she had to step down into the great arched drainage canal and wade waist high through the mixture of Leipzig’s sewage, the soft spring rain, and the diluted blood from the temple and genitals of Assistant Pastor Karl Bronner. She did not see the blood.

In the Matthiaskirche, where the underground passageway came out, a surprised janitor led Anita Pilger to a room, gave better fitting men’s clothes, and a cup of tea. She was shaking and crying. While still in the Thomaskirche, she had heard a muffled shot, and then another one, just as she had entered the stairway to the underground passageway.

The janitor, who was grey and unshaven, hesitated, then said it must have been a backfire from a car – that that frequently happened in front of the Thomaskirche. He had heard it himself. She wanted to believe him. He wanted her to believe him.

In ten minutes, a small grey three-wheeled panel truck stopped behind the Matthias Church. Two figures got into the back. When Gestapo agent Christian Wegner reached the door from the underground passageway to the Matthias Church, it was locked. They were unable to break through it. When he arrived at the Matthias Church from the surface, that door, too, was locked. When the police eventually forced the door, there was no one there and no sign that anyone had been there.

Two weeks later, on a moonless night, off the Swedish coast, Anita Pilger climbed a long rope ladder, from a fishing boat, up onto a British destroyer, which had never come to a full stop. Two RAF pilots follow her up. Gestapo agent Christian Wegner had Assistant Pastor Karl Bronner’s body cremated. The ashes were poured into a trash bin. The bin was carried by truck to a landfill outside of Leipzig, and dumped. If you had stood there, where the garbage men had dumped the ashes of Assistant Pastor Karl Bronner, on the horizon, rising above the beech trees, you could have seen the Gothic tower of the Thomaskirche.

I sit in the Thomaskirche, or am I listening to my device? The music flows over me, through me, filling the low spots first, like an incoming tide. My head is slightly bowed. Christian Wegner raises his Luger. Assistant pastor Karl Bronner asks, “Are you a Protestant?”

Anita Pilger replies, “No, Catholic.” Karl Bronner says, “It doesn’t matter.” Gestapo agent Christian Wegner raises his Luger. The voices in the choir above and behind me sing the Agnus Dei. Lamb of God.

Heart Attack

When my son went off to graduate school, he left an old worn leather purse on my bureau in my room. It smelled of saddlebags and horses. You can verify this by smelling it yourself. Folded out it consists of twelve individual pouches, six on each fold.

I called him to ask him where it had come from. He said it had come from my father, who he suspected had gotten it from his father, and that he, my son, had stolen it to make sure it was preserved.

I thanked him and said I would care for it until he needed it again. Then he told me there had been a letter stuffed into one of the pouches, and he was keeping it safe from the rest of us. I thanked him and said, fine, but could he send me a photocopy of it. He said, sure, and eventually a manila envelope arrived in the mail – with a note, saying the letter had no first page and that it was an historical document and that I should preserve it carefully, in case something happened to the original – which he did not think would be likely, since it was in his keeping.

The letter, written on October 6th, 1864, was to Edwin Bennett from his son Edwin Clark Bennett, my great-grandfather, who was then 35 years old and a captain in the Massachusetts Volunteers, Army of the Potomac.

“[… we next rode our horses to the picket line to inspect and found the majority were washing their clothes or fishing with improvised tackle in the Chickahominy, which was then quite low and only about thirty feet wide, though a malarial swamp almost everywhere else. The Confederates were similarly engaged on the other bank. A soldiers’ truce existed. We went along our line. The rebels could see by our spurs that we were officers, and they merely gazed placidly upon us, making no audible comment. These truces were always faithfully observed. Notice of intention to fire was invariably given, as it was the next morning, with bugle calls and raising the colors and the two marching bands striking up in discordant opposition. Their reinforcements had come up, and it was just after our breakfast, which in my case had been nothing more than a cup of tea and the crumbs of a few wormy biscuits.

I will spare you what followed, Father, but by mid-afternoon both sides were exhausted and had broken off, with the Confederates pulling back, carrying their wounded, and floating corpses of their friends behind them at the ends of rope. We could see from the drag marks in the muddy areas.

Later, while the sun was still high and hot, and our hearts had begun to slow again, a private by the name of Wilson approached me and wanted to know if the land was sacred. I didn’t know what he meant. I assumed he was disturbed by the battle that went before. I said, no it wasn’t. I meant by that, for myself, it didn’t belong to the enemy, since they appeared to have left.

Keep you head down anyway, I told him. The felt in your hat will not deflect a Minnié ball, even a three-ouncer. He gave me a stern look, which said as much as, How old do you think I am, anyway?

Well, I knew he wasn’t very old. He was another of the new Massachusetts Volunteers. He said he had seen the elephant from close enough but still hadn’t shot anyone I found him unnaturally awake. Although he was dirty like the rest of us, he was by no means tired enough, and I thought it likely he had slipped through the turkey drivers, who come along behind the men, with bayonet and saber, and keep them moving, in spite of their fear, toward the front.

I had ordered him and about thirty other men to fan out in a line in front of us. That way, if the enemy returns, they fall on our pickets first, and we hear the muskets shots and have time to form a firing line.

By sacred territory, I realized, the boy might have meant the sunlit island about five hundred feet out in the dark swamp that lay in front of us. Our dead and wounded had been carted off, leaving a thickening trail of blood behind the wagons. A disturbing peacefulness had settled on the woods, with no sign of enemy. Men knelt beside the water, washing powder from their faces, the dark circles around their eyes and mouths that come from ripping cartridges open with the teeth. The rifles were propped in a circle, their bayonets pointing upward. Men squatted behind trees. Others had not been able to contain themselves and were washing out their trousers.

The afternoon stank of stale sweat, human waste, drying blood, and an odor that men give off when they are exhausted by fear. Earlier, I thought I saw a pig down by the main channel, eating on a detached leg or an arm, but when we got there, hoping to eat him instead, there was nothing, no tracks at all, just the panicked boot prints of attack and retreat. The heat was oppressive. Battery horses blew out long slow nostril-flapping comments. The mules made higher fluting noises, perhaps in greeting, even for another mule, who they knew was dead but whose scent was still in the air. They thumped their hooves. You could hear it through the spongy soil, if you were lying down, which I know I was, whenever I could, from pure exhaustion and troubled spirit.

The willows, scrub oak, hawthorn, and lacy cypress rustled and whispered, and generally everywhere a great sleepiness sat on the brigade, pressing us down against the earth. Those whom ball and shot had missed curled up like children in afternoon naps. I lay my Colt pistol at my head, carefully pointed away, and where no one could step on it by mistake and discharge it at me. The sun lifted the smell of wool from my blanket. I folded it into a pillow for under my neck, lay on my back, and hoped to sleep for a while. I wondered how far pickets had gotten, wading slowly over sunken logs and brush, toward the sacred island.

A din of cicadas rose and fell, and I was just drifting toward oblivion, when I heard a raised voice and a sharp challenge. I rolled up onto one elbow, but that arm was afflicted by a strange numbness, and I sat up and rubbed it and thought of Grandfather pressing both hands to the center of his chest just before he died. Was this how I was to complete my nap? I wondered. Was this how it was all to end? After all the balls that had missed their mark? With this cold sweating, the urge to vomit, and the air too thick to breathe? And the pigs that would come along and eat me?

What I saw when I looked up was Wilson. In all of this, the picket line had not advanced that far. He stood knee high in the black water, holding his Springfield .58 at the shoulder, aimed at a young Confederate, who, also armed, held his musket half-raised, but slanted downward, at a clump of water lilies half way between them.

Stand down! I heard Wilson order, as if he were an officer. I could see beneath his gray blouse the dark patch of urine spreading on his wool trousers, below the round of his buttocks. The other, also no more than sixteen or seventeen, seemed paralyzed, with his mouth hanging open, his eyes wide, and swaying ever so slightly from side to side.

I did not call out, for fear Wilson would turn his head and take his attention away from the Johnny Reb, who must have been sleeping or dreaming, or lying stunned out of sight on the little island, and then had gotten up and started walking the wrong way. The other men around me began stirring and sitting up. Gazeley, handsome as a girl, was an object of skepticism for many in the Brigade, for his fortunate good looks, the blue eyes, blond locks, soft full mustache, and his nervous hunger to kill.

I could no longer sit, because of the pain in my left arm, and lay down on my side, but in such a way that I could watch what was happening. I threw up and pushed the mess away with pine needles and dirt, gagging at the smell. I felt deeply sad and cried and felt like I was going away farther and farther. I was glad you and Mother were not with me, because you would have been sad, too, and I think that would have made it harder to leave you.

Better to have someone like my Sergeant Clemens with me, who would make puns and make me laugh, and soften my sadness with the ironic language he is so good at. What I saw next was in fact his hand, coming across my view, slow as a snake, reaching for the stacked muskets, taking the one closest to him, a heavy Enfield with rifle bluing and brass fittings. He rolled toward me and put his face close to mine and said in his horse, low voice, “Are you alright?” He winked an exaggerated wink – I knew it was to make me laugh – and with his thumb and forefinger wiped the crying from the corners of my eyes, touched me on the shoulder, and said, I’ll be right back.

He stood up and walked out into the swamp. He spoke in a steady, calming tone, the way drivers sweet talk battery mules spooked by too much war. The cicadas had stopped, and his voice carried on a slight breeze coming in our direction, and I could hear all of it, and it took my mind off my dying.

Wilson, take it slowly, Wilson. I’m coming up behind you, Private. Keep it nice and steady. Take a long breath, boy. Take a long, long breath. Let your stomach hang down like mine, Wilson. That was the way he talked. Good. Now you ask him slowly if he would like to surrender. Breathe, Wilson. Johnny, you breathe, too. Wilson, ease your finger off the trigger. Johnny, you, too. Easy. Point your fingers out. You’re young. No more dead bodies today. There’s no more war this afternoon. Wilson, he just wants to surrender. Don’t you, Johnny? They’re just as hungry as we are. What’s it been? Two days and a night, and not a goddamn thing to eat, just a few miserable mosquito biscuits. And the food trains are coming. Tonight. We know that. There’ll be coffee and beef. Beef, not mule meat, and who knows, maybe even chicken – and sweet things and coffee. We’ve got time. We could find a pig. Breathe, boys! You get some too, Johnny Reb. No one’s going to shoot anyone. I’m right here. What we need is sleep, boys….”

I should have been on my feet and in the middle of this, my dear Father, but I could hardly breathe, let alone stand up. I saw some looks from the men cast in my direction. But all I thought about was how I didn’t want them to know what was happening to me, an old man at thirty-five, on the edge of the grave. And then, in a sudden movement, Clemens tripped on something in the water and staggered to regain his balance. Wilson’s musket discharged. The rebel boy looked surprised, then fired from his hip. Sergeant Clemens fell forward on his face in the water. Wilson leapt ahead with his musket raised, for a bayonet thrust, when his victim – mortally wounded and still wide-eyed with surprise, sitting in the water, pointed upward with a small silver-plated Henry Derringer, and fired.

I raised my head to see better. Wilson dropped his musket, looked down at his killer, cried Oh God, and fell forward on top of him, submerging the Confederate boy entirely and floating there on top of him, face down, with just the back of his head and a little bit of his shoulders and his buttocks showing.

Neither of them moved. Not a ripple, not a bubble. And Clemens, my dearest friend, floating there with them, head down, a little closer to us. The cicadas began all at once, as if on signal, putting time in motion again, and filling the very center of my head with their noise, denying what had just happened with their indifference.

Others, with angry looks at me, dragged them out and lay them on dry ground. A young Massachusetts Volunteer stuffed blankets under their necks, as if at last they too were going to nap and be close to the ones they loved. Though it cost me much I crawled over to Sergeant Clemens, to be beside him. And I lay my head down, too, and felt the blanket being placed under my neck, and I looked up at the blue that arched above me beyond the tree tops and felt that I must also be on my way, with my friend, to wherever it is we go, when we finally leave.

But I awoke the next morning covered with a blanket, my boots off and placed neatly beside me, along with my Colt and my dispatch pouch – and the pain in my left arm entirely gone. My friend Clemens and the two boys were no longer there.

On October 3rd, 1864 I left the Brigade to join my regiment at City Point, as it was about to depart for Boston to be mustered out. Colonel Gregory was very cordial, in his expressions of regard, and offered to aid in securing me a field officer’s commission from the Governor of Pennsylvania. He said there had been a report from a junior officer that I had faked a heart attack in order not to have to take charge of a dangerous situation. I started to speak, but he raised a hand that trembled – perhaps from pop skull, the tremble disease, perhaps from war – and said, There are men who will deny the vulnerability they feel toward the possibility of an untimely natural death. Or something very much like that, which I wasn’t sure I understood at the time. He said he knew from other sources that I had made an effort to be as close to my sergeant, as I could, as soon as I could, and within my capability at the time. And that the junior officer who had made the report had not even been present. And that there was ample evidence I had acquitted myself in a satisfactory manner, and he would see to it that, from other acts of mine, which he had a record of, I would be appointed a Brevet Lieutenant-Colonel, U.S. Volunteers – probably to be in effect before I ever set foot on your front step in Putnam Street.

And so, my dear father, your son returns to you with the earlier wound – the piece shot out of my left cheek, which you already know about – and very much alive still, thanks to what may or may not have been a heart attack, but what surely, by any other name, all would agree was an assault upon the heart, from which I am not sure I will ever recover – or even want to.

Your loving son,
Edwin Clark Bennett
October 6th, 1864

The Pátzcuaro Incision

Come closer to the table, so you can see. Ah, you can’t, can you. Our backs make a wall, plus you’re not even here. You’re floating above us, looking down. As a student I never had such a view. The little eye suspended above, with magnification and light, recording everything, seeing what I’m seeing with my headlight and loupes. I’m going to continue the curvilinear incision here, at the hairline, in the pterional region, that’s Greek, claw of the eagle, just to the side of left eye, and her nose over here under the drapes. She’s lying on her right side, rotated toward me so her shoulder doesn’t interfere. I started before breakfast but got hungry and had to go eat something. You can do that because she’s under endotracheal anesthesia. You can’t see it, but I can assure you her pupils are dilated like a cat’s at night. A little clotting over here, the scalp sort of bloody, but I can control it by pressure with my other hand until I get the scalp clips on. I just wipe the blood away, and then we continue the incisions. The scalp is like an elastic onion. It takes forever to do it right, but at the same time the clock hands seem to fly. Now, when we’re ready, a burr hole at the pterion. That’s it. Now a double-action Leksell Rongeur to make the burr hole a little bigger, biting away the bone. Use a little muscle when you do this, but gently, gently, so we can go on to the next step. We use a number three Penfield dissector to separate the dura mater from the inner table of the skull. The dura, as you’ve studied, is the tough leathery lining inside the skull. Look at the blade on this saw, so sharp and clean before you begin. Maybe it’s the clean part that reminds me of a woman like this one, a cellist with long dark hair, in Mexico, with smooth beautiful toes and a passion for Mozart. A summer off from college. Be prepared. The saw is going to screech. The little turbine is driven by compressed Nitrogen, from that tank over there. Now, spattering a little blood and bone dust, flying all over. Swimming in the lake, with the blue wild volcanic mountains in the background where you weren’t supposed to go. Turn the frontal bone flap. Droplets of water on her breasts. Now we place the tenting sutures to hold the opened dura in place and prevent bleeding in the epidural area. Oh so gently, elevate the left frontal lobe on a self-retaining Leyla. Named after a little Iranian girl by the way. Her necklace inspired the retractor’s design. You know how hard it is to forget unfinished loves. That’s it, that’s good. And Beethoven, the magnificent Late String Quartets, my Alicia and her friends in the advanced stages of die Große Fugue, in B-flat Major, Opus 133. The gentle, searching, plaintive lifting to God in the Third Movement, the music drifting through the stone house on the side of the lake, the polished tile floors, the terrace where the surrealists sat, or so the legend has it. With their friends André Breton, Remedios Varo, Leonora Carrington, and Gordon Onslow-Ford. Ah, and the view of the lake! Cattle standing up to their knees, grazing on islands of green. The painters María Izquierda, Manuel Gonzalez Serrano, and long-browed Frida, who declared she was herself, not a surrealist discovered by André Breton. And the house where Breton argued with Trotsky, where Diego Rivera, who hadn’t written a word of it, signed the manifesto on the independence – if not the separation – of art from politics. Follow the olfactory tract down to the carotid artery. The mountains, the moon, the mist over the distant lights of Pátzcuaro. Walking with Alicia, where Trotsky, along with his body guards years before, two in front, two behind, in single file, strolled beside the listening lake and the grebes. And we see the optic nerve is displaced by the dome of a beautiful pulsing turgid aneurysm. At first, she was so disappointed in the women she played music with, from Morelia, Mexico City, Zirahuén, and Uruapan. They talked about soap operas, affairs their husbands had, affairs they themselves were afraid to initiate, with men below their class. Women who watched satellite television from Miami and tried to make themselves look younger. Shit! Excuse me. As you can see, the aneurysm has just ruptured. I must have pushed too hard. This is a crisis. The trick is to keep on breathing. There’s blood everywhere. It’s opaque. I can’t see a thing, and it would be easy to put the clip on other blood vessel, with – catastrophic consequences. Quickly now, both suctions to clear the mess. They wanted to look tight-skinned and youthful for their absent husbands, but kept on eating pork and sugar. Now we put a temporary clip across the parent artery, which is down here somewhere, take my word for it. That will stop the bleeding from the rupture. Don’t worry, her brain can get along for a few moments without blood. So much hidden disappointment. Now a Sugita clip across the neck of the aneurysm. With luck it’s not blocking any other vessels behind the aneurysm – the ones I couldn’t see because of the rupture. My god I love this! It’s my third case since nine o’clock last night. The clip is titanium and will stay on the artery permanently. We’ll put a little glue here to hold the clip in place. There! Now blood – look how it glistens – can’t enter the aneurysm. And this, of course, is where we should play something more like Satie, rather than Beethoven, so the blood vessels – because of the clip – don’t want to spasm and choke off blood to the brain. Which can be fatal. And then there’s the chance of swelling. Sometimes the brain won’t fit back in the skull, and some has to be removed. The quartet became a women’s group. By the way, you have to make sure the clip is MRI-compatible. They drank Chilean Merlot – Toro y Concha – and talked about how people died in the villages, the black-lipped corpses with exploding arteries, waiting for this or that moon phase, this or that sign, before putting the body under. The eyes of the dead, they swore, followed them around the room, when they and their Purépecha Indian friends were just girls. In the gagging candlelight. We’ve stopped the bleeding. We’ll begin closing up. This is going well. Old men whose penises swelled over night and stayed erect while their eyes sank inward. Grandmothers burning rags soaked in car oil to mask the smell. Now we suture the dura, putting her back together. Babies bloated until it was impossible to see the hollow of their eyes. The waiting periods above ground that were too long. Open sores that became black stinking holes, in the stomach. And oh my god the black swollen feet! That’s the way they talked. I hope you don’t mind me telling you all this. Lets bring the bone flap down, close the layers of the scalp. She was astounded. She wanted to go beyond superficialities, but this was too far, too dark, too much death. I can’t do this when I’m depressed, which is really more than half the time. Lets suction. This is going beautifully. I can’t believe how fast I’m working. She was different after these meetings. They practiced more. Always Beethoven. Always Die Große Fugue, in B-flat Major, Opus 133. More stories. Trusting dogs lifted up and hanged from trees with a wire around the neck. An out-of-wedlock baby, half way out, the neighbor waving a rooster over them, then wringing its neck, while the mother struggled to breathe, and then gave up. The complicated wake because of the awkward shape, which they refused to change. The father of the dead teenage mother chased her teenage lover and hacked him down in a stream, with a machete, turning the black polluted water red. Then they let the boy lie in the creek until the neighboring village complained about the snarling rot-eating dogs that came home stinking. We stayed together for several months more. I called her hysterical. She called me remote. Then she disappeared. Some say she drowned in the lake, swimming alone, borne under by the stories. That she was stuck in a morbidity she couldn’t understand. That it was the inexorable counterpoint to the televised crap from the North. They searched for a week. Some carried alfalfa, on advice from curanderos, healers from Hidalgo, to distract the Goat, if he was blocking her path and she couldn’t come back from the lake. I went on my own, looking for her along the shore, expecting to see her long flowing hair, a hand moving with the waves, her lovely toes. Some say she took a bus back to Los Angeles to visit her sister. I called the sister, but she refused to talk to me. After a while there’ll be no trace of what’s happened here. It is a good feeling sewing a life back together. Lets keep her warm. She’s a lovely woman, the dark hair, the olive skin. She could be from Pátzcuaro. Perhaps she’s a musician. A cellist. I think I’ll stop now. Thank you for your attention. I hope you learned something. Hope to see you again, soon.

The Performance

We first heard of the espectáculo, the performance, when we were walking hand in hand on the marsh field in front of the village—a place of calm, soggy pastures, reedy waterways, and reclusive white egrets – in short, a place where for the most part things move slowly and are pretty much the way they seem. A fine drizzle was romantic, and eased the way.

A bridge of two planks led across an ooze of black sewage coming from the village. A calf bellowed from our side of the bridge. Her mother, who was on the other side, had no intention of returning, perhaps having found a clever way to wean her calf. When we crossed the bridge, the mother approached, then turned away when she realized we weren’t the farmer she belonged to.
A loudspeaker blared out over the marsh. We shook our heads in disbelief. We generalized, a gringo lament. Who would shatter the tranquility of this Saturday evening, wet and soft, after six and a half days of work?

When we climbed the lane, a man on horseback approached, probably the cow’s owner. He wore rubber boots in his stirrup, a milk bucket was slung from one side of the pommel, a thin sack of grain from the other. He held a short length of rope, to hobble the cow. I wondered how much milk he thought he would get with the calf around. On his head he wore the traditional Michoacán woven straw hat, flat on top, with the black tassel hanging from the brim in back.

The loudspeaker continued to overwhelm the evening. The authoritative voice, in a state of great agitation, warned that the espectáculo would not be in the village forever because of the great demand in the period before the 16th of September, Independence Day. A light rain had begun to fall again. Villagers moved past us toward the loudspeaker. My love Alicia, who is less suspicious than I, pressed forward.

The tent was an elaborate affair, with two massive metals center poles. We put our fingers in our ears and approached. It seemed unlikely there would be many spectators. Who could afford the announced fifteen-peso fee? The manic loudspeaker voice, now overhead, proclaimed the wonders of the espectáculo, and practically scream the need to attend, even in this time of economic downturn.

We paid our tickets – they charged us twenty apiece – and entered, just behind the town mayor, whose face seemed stuck in a permanent smirk. He wore alligator cowboy boots. He was overweight and about a head shorter than me. He soon stalked away, out of our view. We surveyed the rows of folding chairs, looking for a place to sit, but also to see if we could spot any of our English students. It was past the starting time. People whistled with impatience and, I thought, skepticism. After all, what could this traveling troupe possibly provide in terms of distraction to people who were used to television.

Finally, the show began. Strobe lights blurred the stage, and the curtain behind it, with flashes of red, green and white. The exotic Yopana – “Mexico’s only” – salsa-ed and twisted across the stage from right to left. Her strong slightly bowed legs were armored in banana-colored Spandex that reflected back the strobe lights. Her mouth was over-painted, in lopsided Vermillion, her brows Frida-dark, her rouge unbalanced. She wore a leotard top, long sleeves, in black, with silver spangles rising up the middle of her barrel-like stomach and possibly padded chest. It was hard to determine her age.

“She’s not even dancing,” said Alicia, in my ear.

But I disagreed. For me, her intent, her lumbering frame, created perfectly the illusion of seduction, suppleness, and skill. Her steps fell within an acceptable range, in matching the music’s rhythm. She wagged her tail, one hip rose while the other fell. Her dance steps showed little variation. What she offered, she offered innocently, and so I accepted her and approved of her, and thought she was perfect.

Alicia looked at me, and I at her. The crowd whistled and writhed, children pushed each other, tried out different seats, and slipped through the metal cattle fences of the loggia to sit closer to the stage. The hidden announcer warned us about shocking events that were coming. The blasts from the loudspeakers mounted on either side of the stage vibrated things in our chests. And then the magician appeared, a short man with a broad face and shrewd eyes, He wore a black coat with tails, a white pleated shirt, a black bow tie, and red pants. He made eggs appear and disappear. A bantam rooster appeared prematurely, we thought – perhaps as a ruse to increase our doubts as to his abilities. He made a rose out of bunched toilet paper. With two empty cylinders, one in each hand, he made a bottle disappear, then reappear. A cigarette disappeared from his hands and appeared in his mouth. He placed two strips of cloth in his mouth, chewed them thoroughly, and then pulled them out—hand over hand—in a long, continuous spaghetti. He dropped burning toilet paper into a cage-like box, which he had shown to be empty, clapped it shut, opened it, and a white dove flew out, accompanied by only a few sparks.

An assistant appeared. Her name was Jazmín. A pretty woman, in her forties, in white high heels, a jungle-pattern dress, in browns and reds, that came to just below the knees, with a slit on each side. The dress was cut excitingly low in the back. In front, it had a square neckline. A cupping action lifted her breasts in a way that was eye-catching and modest at the same time. She handed the master a plaster of paris mannequin of a Mexican campesino, who wore a sombrero and the white frozen face of a simpleton.

The master spoke, ventriloquist-style, asking Quico a series of questions. Did he know, for example, the points of the compass, and Quico would hesitate and give the wrong answer, mentioning the names of lizards, water birds, and snakes – to which the master would shout No! with such force and regularity that it no longer mattered that his lips moved when Quico spoke.

“Do you understand el norte? the master asked. The north?

“Los norteños?” Quico asked. “Sure, those are the ones right there, facing the stage, the ones who have gone north and abandoned Mexico.”

“No, Quico!! Don’t say such things!” in a controlling reprimand – to the delight of the audience. “And el sur, Quico, the south, do you know where that is?”

A careful pause by Quico. Well, that’s us here on this side – by which he meant below the border. The ones who spend their whole lives here in our sureños.” Which he confused with sueños, dreams, and said therefore. We are the simpletons who stayed here and have nothing but our dreams.

“No, Quico! NO!!” And the audience laughed appreciatively.

And did Quico know the difference between the police and the governor of Michoacán?

Long pause, Quico tilted his head in thought. And then, innocently, like the schoolboy trying to do well, offered – too quickly to be stopped – “Yes, the police are the pendejos who disappear the people, and the governor is the güey who governs the delivery of the ransoms – to the police. Which they then split.”

From the master an instantaneous, “No, Quico, NO, NO, NO!!”

The audience responded with a roar of tight laughter. It was clear Quico had said too much. Shaking his head in disappointment, the magician handed him back to Jazmín, who until that point had stood with her hands clasped in front of her, dignified, pretty, and not smiling.

Mexico’s one and only Yopana returned to the stage to dance, wearing white soft cowboy boots, black fishnet panty hose, and a tight black mini skirt, with a silver tirade slung like a watch chain under her belly. I admired her strapless top, her sheer-covered arms and shoulders, the purple frills hanging worm-like from the arms, the long white gloves, and the black flat-topped cowboy hat, with silver studs around the brim.

I thought she looked quite wonderful.

She didn’t seem quite as massive with the short skirt and white booties, the cowgirl look. They went well with the dull sultry look. She held the fake mike to her mouth and lip-synched to the music being hurtled through the loudspeaker. She raised and dropped the hand holding the mike, as the degree of her passion rose and fell. With the other arm she made wide sweeps, as if clearing away swarms of mosquitoes or swimming one-handed in a kind of half breaststroke, or polishing the hood of a car. She did her steps, but only minimally, because the music really didn’t require it. And all the while, the crowd whistled and jeered, but this time I thought, partly out of appreciation for the total package: the languid, numb, almost cute vaquera —doing what could be done with the blasting, formless music, the seizure-inducing white, red, and green strobe lights, and the perpetual hard economics times.

Jazmín and the magician—the mago—returned. He tied a silk scarf around her eyes and, turned the lovely sweeping openness of her back toward us, perhaps so we could read her vertebrae for some indication of what was to come. Then the mago came down off the stage and approached a man wearing a yellow shirt. He lay his hand on the man’s shoulder. He spoke quickly, as if there was much work to do.

“Jazmín, what color shirt is this man wearing?

And Jasmín, who was holding a real mike attached to a real cord, said in the steady clear voice of a seer, “Yellow.”

“And this woman, on her left hand?” He stood in front of a woman now.

“A silver ring with a green stone.”

“And the age of the man I’m standing in front of now?”

“Fifty-five,” said Jazmín. The man nodded, astounded.

The mago fanned out playing cards for a young woman to choose from. “Jazmín, what card is this woman holding?

“The queen of clubs,” said Jazmín.

The mago held up the card. It was the queen of clubs.

“And how old is this same woman, Jazmín?”

“Twenty-two.”

The young woman nodded and grinned in a mixture of embarrassment and astonishment. I looked for mirrors, perhaps a small microphone that he was signaling through.

“How is he doing that?” I asked Alicia.

“He has a prepared list, she’s memorized everything. His picks match the sequence. They’re plants, the questions. There’s only five of them.” She said this, as if in appreciation for the added level of skill.

“Jazmín, who am I standing in front of?” the mago asked.

“A young woman.”

“Tell me about her,” the magician asked.

“She’s twenty.”

“What else?”

“She is pregnant.”

“What else?” the mago asked.

Jazmín hesitated. She’s in her eighth month.”

“What else?” Jazmín hesitated longer.

“It’s a boy.” The young woman flushed, and looked as if she had received bad news, as if she had wanted a little girl.

The mago moved on to a woman well on in her years, of modest means, dignified.

“How old is this woman, Jazmín?”

“She is seventy-two, perhaps seventy-three. I’m not sure.”

The woman nodded, marginally, her neck stiff.

“Jazmín, tell us about her. Is her husband alive?”

“No.”

“And what did he do?”

“He rode his horse up into the mountain behind Acutín and made charcoal for people to cook with.”

“And what did he bring her from the mountain?”

“He brought her estrellas.”

“Why did he bring her estrellas?”

“The six petals meant he would love her for six times ten years,” said Jazmín. Her voice was lower, with feeling.

“What else, Jazmín?” Jazmín paused for a moment.

“She has two sons.”

It was the mago who hesitated this time. “Is there more?”

“One son is with the purépecha delegation of the Organization of Indigenous Peoples, on their way to meet with the EZLN, to decide on a possible protest march to Mexico City.”

“Tell us about the other, Jazmín.”

“He was disappeared.”

The mago paused. “When, Jazmín?”

I saw the old woman drop her head and look at her hands.

“Eighteen months ago.”

“Where?” asked the mago.

“In Pátzcuaro, in the big square, by the fountain, sitting with his wife and two little girls. Like his father, he would bring her estrellas.”

At that moment a small boy approached the mago. In his hands, held out in front of him, he carried the dove that had been loose on the tent floor since its escape from the cage and the burning toilet paper. He handed dove to the mago, who leaned forward to receive it, smiling and nodding his head in thanks.

He straightened up. “Jazmín, what am I holding in my hands?”

“You are holding a dove.”

The mago looked at the audience wisely, then gave the dove back to the boy, and motioned for him to take it to people behind stage.

“And do we know who was responsible for the secuestro, Jazmín?” The kidnapping? Silence fell over the crowd. A teenage boy, who had been tipping back in his metal chair, two rows in front of us, lost contact with the earth and crashed over backwards. There was some nervous laughter around us, but it died out quickly. The boy got up meekly and sat down in his righted chair.

“Jazmín?” the mago prompted.

“He is here in the tent,” said Jazmín.

The audience remained absolutely quiet. A few babies squirmed and whined. There was a hum in the sound system. The popcorn popper was popping. Its two attendants stared at the stage, frozen. People began moving their heads, slowly, looking for someone, but trying no to be too obvious about it. People they had never been quite sure about. A good many of them looked our way. Alicia is dark-skinned, and so it was clearly me they were looking at. Even Alicia, who is quick to spot an oppressor, was looking at me in a way I hadn’t seen in a while. The mago approached us and held his hand on my head, as if to bestow a blessing, or about to denounce me.

“Jazmín, whom am I touching?”

“A gringo,” she said.

“Is he the one?” The teenager who had fallen backward with his chair twisted around, gawking at me.

“No,” said Jazmín.

The mago’s hand slid off my head, but in a lingering motion, the hint of a caress, of protection perhaps, and then he moved away. After a few steps, he stopped and put his hand on the top of his own head.

“And who is this, Jazmín? Whom am I touching now?”

The boy who was carrying the dove and who had not quite reached the back stage area, lost control of the bird, and it fluttered back down onto the tent floor and waddled away between the chairs, perhaps looking for popcorn. The bantam rooster, which was also still loose, after its premature appearance at the beginning of the magic show, attacked the dove, but then shrieked when a spectator interrupted its attack with a kick. Jazmín had not spoken. The pause lengthened.

“Jazmín?” the magician prompted. She still didn’t answer. “Can you tell me who it is?”

“No, I can’t.”

“You can’t tell me?”

“No, I’m sorry. But I can’t.”

And with that, the mago winked at one side of the tent, then at the other, and asked for the applause Jazmín deserved. It came in a wave and filled the enclosure, then swept back again, into silence.

The hidden announcer, the authoritative voice we had heard from the marsh, announced the intermission, and that the mago and Jazmín moved among the audience and distributed fortunes, organized by the signs of the Zodiac, for five pesos each. When they came by, I bought one, as did Alicia. When he handed me mine, for Cancer, he winked and said, “Pretty good, huh?” in English. I said, “Very good” also in English, and gave him a thumbs up. I meant everything, from the premature bantam to Jazmín’s puzzlement. I was not sure what he meant.

My fortune, a carbon copy of an original, said, “Perhaps you will make some sort of promise to your partner.” I liked my fortune very much. Alicia would not tell me what hers said. I began a frown and started to say something, but at that moment a group of teenagers—mostly girls, late arrivals and unaffected by what had gone on before, mostly middle-class and non-Purépecha, swept into the tent and altered the mood with their bright, more privileged chatting.
They plopped down, like sea gulls, sometimes sitting on each other’s laps when there weren’t enough seats, then rose again as a flock and landed somewhere else, looking only at each other, but aware of everything, and consumed by a great excitement.

Alicia slipped away to buy popcorn. This left me somewhat exposed. A clown with floppy shoes and a red nose began the second half of the espectáculo, and this seemed to weaken the audience’s interest in me. His companion burst on stage. They kicked and hit each other, to much laugher. The first clown delivered a blow which appeared to kill his companion. He wailed, and lamented his crime.

“Why did you do it?” the mago asked him.

“He offended my wife,” said the clown.

“How did he offend your wife?”

“With his burro.” The crowd sucked in air, gave a tight laugh.

“How with his burro the mago asked.

“It passes without speaking to her.” The old joke, now remembered. The crowd laughed, much relieved. After some homophobic grabbing and exchanging blows, the clown raced off the stage. The crowd seemed happy. They appeared to have sipped from two of their favorite things: simulated violence and homophobia.

A handsome, tall young man in a dark suit with a cream-colored turtleneck entered from the left, holding a real microphone. This part of the espectáculo, he said with a voice of authority – the voice we had heard all the way from the marsh – required the willingness of intelligent, adventuresome people, whose personal dignity would be protected at all times.

Before he could finish, the teenagers rose against the wind they had been waiting for, circled, and landed on the thirty or so metal chairs that had been arranged on the stage. They were a mixture of secundaria girls, high school, and what appeared to be working-class boys, who were a little younger. The lights went out. The man in the dark suit was now not just handsome, but also a hypnotist. The sound system played the Ave Maria, at moderate range. The hypnotist put his lips close to the microphone. His voice grew raspy. He hissed with persuasion.

“Respira profundamente, breathe deeply, duerme profundamente, sleep deeply, escucha mi voz, listen to my voice.”

He led them downward, counting. He dismissed those who resisted. Only eight teenagers remained, four boys, four girls. The lights went on. The handsome hypnotist issued a series of commands. The Ave Maria ended. The loudspeakers gave a popular rock tune. He asked the eight to play the tune on their guitars. They made strumming motions. He had them hold each other, girls holding girls, and boys holding boys, then awakened them with a raven-like click of his tongue, close to the microphone. He played on the audience’s homophobia.

“Were you holding her?” he asked a girl, who quickly released the other girl.

“Of course not!” she answered, with conviction.

The audience howled with delight. Then he woke two boys holding each other, but kept them locked in that position. More laughter. He asked individuals what popular singer they were and had each stand up and strut and lip-synch to the music playing.

Alicia pointed out that everything was rigged; otherwise they wouldn’t have had the recorded cuts ready. I was confused and not sure. I suspected the teenagers had a wide knowledge of popular tunes. We watched them imitate Gloria Trevi, Alejandra Guzmán, and Luis Miguel. The middle class girls took risks, the working class boys were more catatonic. Still, one of the boys said he was Juan Gabriel, which meant that he was gay. This caused a great stir among the audience. He lip-synched well enough, but seemed to be unable to imitate even the hint of stereotyped gayness in his movements. The hypnotist asked him if he had a companion. He said yes and pointed roughly toward us. Blow him a kiss, said the master, and the boy did. Then he brought him out of the trance and asked him if he was throwing kisses to a man. The boy denied it, with a frown. The hypnotist touched his forehead, made a raven click, and returned him to his trance.

“Take him a kiss,” the master ordered, and the boy went down the stage stairs and approached a group of young men, who jumped out of their folding chairs in fright, while the audience whooped. The boy continued, turned toward us, and stopped in front of a smug overweight man, two seats to our left, whom I recognized as the mayor. He did not jumped up. Instead, his smirk deepened. The boy kissed his own hand, then pressed the hand on the man’s forehead. He stepped back. He pointed at his victim.

“Este, this is the one!” he pronounced, solemnly.

A hovering attendant – was it Jazmín? – led the boy back up onto the stage. The audience gawked, waiting. The mayor – unamused – sat with his legs crossed, left over right. He leaned forward, an engaged smirking observer. His right arm rested across his upper thigh, and slanted downward. The hand held a small bag of popcorn – like the one I was holding. The Ave Maria returned and swelled to full volume. From where I was sitting I could look between the heads of the heavy-lidded teenagers on the stage. Something metallic, muzzle-like, the tip of a rifle, 39 Steps, peeked through the curtain opening. The first shot – unheard in the din – exploded the mayor’s popcorn. I looked left. His expression, originally sour, took on the openness of man who realizes he has a problem. Some of the popcorn – still in the air – landed on Alicia, who turned toward me with a frown and snapped: “What are you doing?” The bantam cock, pecking nearby, startled by the popcorn, flew by the mayor’s head, who flinched at what he thought was a second phase of the attack. He lurched backward in his chair. The chair collapsed. The mayor rolled sideways, facing us. The second shot, again unheard, and ignored by the entranced teenagers on the stage, blew the heel off one of his alligator boots. I looked at Alicia, who was saying something angry at me, and then I looked at the stage. The muzzle of the old rifle had withdrawn. In the opening, I saw Yopana, Mexico’s one and only, with her head quite bald, and displaying a masculine intensity. I was aware that the mayor was crawling toward the side of the tent. Yopana looked straight at me. Her face softened, she winked, and she held up a thumb in the gesture of “Very good!” I did not return the gesture because I didn’t think Alicia would understand. The curtain closed all the way, and Yopana was gone.

The lights went on. The hypnotist made various hand motions and raven clicks around the heads of his subjects, and, one by one, they blinked, looked innocent in their disorientation, got up, stretched, and stumbled from the stage, to the applause of their companions in the audience. Alicia and I joined the flow of spectators leaving the tent. Outside, we saw the flashing blue and red lights on two police trucks. One was the town’s Seguridad Publica pickup. The other was a new Dodge Ram Judicial pickup, which by coincidence, it seemed, had been in the area carrying six AR15-armed Judiciales. They wore black paratrooper boots, black jump pants, black T-shirts, and gold chains around their necks.

A group of villagers stood around listening and making comments. The mayor was there, and I saw a graze wound on his forehead, apparently from a third shot that had escaped my attention.

More and more of us gathered around the flashing lights and heard the two town police explaining to the grim looking Judiciales that the wound was from a fall the mayor had taken during the performance. Not from any shooting. No one came forward with a variation on this testimony. One of the Judiciales was talking to someone on the truck radio. The town police argued that the mayor was in fact a suspect in a crime and that they were going to arrest him. One of them took out his handcuffs. The mayor had recovered his smirk. The Judiciales closed in around him. Over the protests of the town’s Seguridad Publica, they led him to the front seat of their truck. With door open, the interior light went on, and we could see the waves of smirks that passed over his face. The villagers and the village police shook their heads in disgust. The Judiciales – two in front with the mayor, four in back, with grim looks all around – drove away, in their new Dodge Ram.

In the dark, someone took my hand and pressed two five-peso pieces into it, I assume for overpayment. I was fairly sure it was Jazmín. By then Alicia was pulling me away from the crowd and telling me she was tired and needed to go home. The drizzle had stopped, and one or two of my English students said hello to me. The moon was up and moved in and out of the clouds like a child peeking from behind curtains. I thought I heard the calf down on the marsh, bellowing for its mother. And that, for some reason, made me wonder how everyone was doing backstage, in the tent.

Alicia took my arm pulled herself close. She began to talk about how much she was beginning to love Mexico, and how quiet the town was, and how wonderful the frogs in the marsh sounded, and how good it was going to be to get into bed and sleep. “Profundamente!” she added, finding my hand and giving it a squeeze, with what appeared to be a wink, with meaning. And I who am open to many things accepted it for what it was – or at least for what it appeared to be.

The Correct Angle

When my father died there was a long period of sadness in our family. My mother sat on the verandah on summer evenings, gazing out over the lush grass and waterways, listening to the frogs and owls and crickets, as the moon rose, first a sliver, then half, then full, and eventually as absent as my father. If I moved correctly and found the angle, I could tell she was weeping, and she would look at me and smile, and I would not ask her to explain. It was obvious that no one could have loved a person more, or missed him more, than my mother did my father.

When the time came, she asked me to clear out his desk and bureau drawers, a task too painful for her to perform herself. And so I waited until she found a need to finally be with her sister, on the coast, in the city of trolleys. Then I drove the four hours up to the old house – the one I had grown up in, crossing over the bridge at the stream, on down through the fields and irrigation ditches. She had gotten a neighbor to take over the task of managing the cattle. All twelve of them. They were Black Angus, and the day I arrived they dotted the field, black against green, standing in water and lush grass, with mountains rising in the background — some of them still streaked with lingering snow fields.

The desk was in his study. They key was where it had always lain, on a ledge that divided the pine paneling that stopped three feet from the ceiling. It was a cherry wood desk with drawers that curved outward, instead of being flat across the front — a piece of furniture I cherished and hoped I would someday inherit, depending on the whim of my older brother, who lived in New York and, because he was my older brother, would probably get the first choice.

I went through the entire desk, beginning with the pigeonholes, the drawers above them, and finally the lower drawers. I placed the contents by category into stationery boxes I found in his closet. I sorted through various instruments for writing, measuring, painting. There were tools and pieces of machinery that he had felt the need of having in a safe, findable place — and probably never used again. As I picked through his things, I smelled his smell — a cross between Edgeworth pipe tobacco and the smell I could glean from my own scalp if I rubbed it with my hand and then smelled my fingers. I think I was looking for him, as I explored, as if he would suddenly speak to me and touch my arm and remove his pipe and smile his guileless smile and say: “Have I ever told you I love you?”

Not that he had ever said that, but it seemed as if he might, as I touched his things — the things that were in his personal, private realm where no women, not even my mother went. This feeling of being close to him increased as I approached his chest of drawers, with its twisting, spiraling columns of mahogany, extending up from the legs to the top surface. There were fluted glass drawer handles the color of mother of pearl and abalone.

Then came the top drawer. This was the inner sanctuary, the place where the smell of him was strongest. This was where his most private self dwelt, the place where he kept things: arrow heads, batteries, bits of pumice, old eye glasses, parts of musical instruments, a pink plastic lobster peg which always said he wished he had invented, an old wooden flute, a compact Leica monocular which also showed where level was, for birding, left to him by a German business acquaintance. And tucked back from the socks he kept in the front of the drawer, under the monocular, I found a package wrapped in light blue onion paper and tied with a piece of honey-colored fishing line his own small factory had braided nearly twenty years before.

I opened the package, slowly, with the apprehension of a thief, suspecting the private the letters they turned out to be – love letters from my mother to him. I made myself a mint tea and took the letters out onto the porch and sat for a while in the chair my mother normally sat in evenings as she wept for him and watched the moon come and go. I suppose I read them with a sense of some kind of entitlement. After all, who of us can quite imagine the intimacy between one’s parents? For which there should be some kind of proof, visited just once, and then the matter would is resolved.

The very first letter surprised me for it frankness. How long could they have known each other, I wondered. She described their evenings together, how they met at the stream between the adjoining farms, the bed of grass, lying among the Indian Paint Brushes, touching each other, joining, on dry land, in lukewarm irrigation overflow, over the roots of poplars. It was shockingly frank. Even the handwriting seemed infected by the directness and seemed foreign and different. And then I slowly realized that the handwriting was too different. And, when I reached the end of that particular letter, there was a name I did not know – only that it was not my mother’s.

I found a date that was only ten years before, and then I checked through the rest of the letters and found they had come as recently as a month before he died and that none of them had been post marked, and must therefore have been left somewhere for him.

When I had finished, the sun had set and the cattle had moved closer to the barn to soak up the warmth still reflected by its grey vertical siding. The moon came up, now an indifferent enemy. There were crickets, owls screeching out over the fields, gliding with unfair stealth, and occasionally a frog from one of the ditches whose song, uninvited, mingled with my own soft blubbering tears and confusion. All of which, I suppose, if observed from the proper angle, could have been explained or not, depending on your point of view.

I walked through the silvery moonlight, avoiding cow patties, to the narrow irrigation stream that divided our farm from the neighbors – people I did not know – to the poplar grove where the stream into a pool, out of sight from everything but the mountains and their lingering snow. For a moment, I considered knocking on the neighbor’s door. If a woman answered – the Latina I thought she might be – and she recognized the letters, and if it was safe, I would give them to her. But in the end, I lit a small fire, which reflected orange in the eyes of all twelve Black Angus, who had followed me, I suspect out of curiosity as to why a human would walk their fields at night. I opened each letter, crumpled it up, and fed it to the fire. Half way through, it occurred to me that some of the letters were from my mother to him. But I kept on going. I had already violated his privacy, and now I would restore it – all of it. And as I burned, before my highly interested ear-tagged witnesses, I considered, more calmly now, whether there is such a thing as the mystery of love, complicated but still legitimate, and whether it should be explained or, like my father’s top bureau drawer, even gone into at all.

Object of Attention

Mexico City sits on ancient ruins, and the part that doesn’t, rests on a bog, lake bottoms, and mud. It is a monument to struggle and power, interlaced with leafy parks, fountains, and cafés.

On our second night in the city, in the Condesa neighborhood, we entered a café famous – at least to my love – for the satirist Astrid Hadad, who mocks sentimental Mexican ballad singers and outdoes them at the same time. She was not performing. Instead, we saw a female impersonator-political satirist of immense talent. I knew my white face – my love is dark-skinned – would attract La Roña’s sharp tongue. My turn came early in the program.

“Where are you from?” she asked, in a rasping petulant Spanish.

In an instant of calculation – wanting to deflect what I knew was coming, and although I was born in New Jersey, grew up around Boston, and had lived most of my adult life in California – I said, “Germany.”

With that, I became the reference for the next two hours of all that was exploitive, First World, and responsible for the horrors of the Nazi past. That seemed an acceptable choice compared with being a U.S. citizen in 2007.

After the show, I asked La Roña’s manager if they would like any critical response. I think I felt as if I deserved a word or two of my own. Plus, I wanted to get the brilliant young man, her, to stop using the PowerPoint part of her program.

First, I told him I was not a German.

“Ah,” he said, gently, “so you’re a liar as well.” In addition to all my other crimes, he might have thought.

Later, my love said she thought there had been comma after “liar,” and that La Roña had meant that he too was a liar, that only through the lie of impersonating a woman could one tell the truth.

It is hard for me to recognize his actual sex. Out of respect for his profession, I continue to call him her. I gave her my criticism, grasped her hand in both of mine and exclaimed several times what immense talent she was and my certainty she would be very successful in the future. I only briefly glanced at her flat, hairy vulnerable chest, as she continued to undress. I protested when she asked me shyly if I thought she had been too tendentious.

I lied, and said no.

The next evening, my love wanted to return, this time to hear a trumpet player and the band he played with. This seemed reasonable since my partner took up the trumpet a year ago when she turned – well – much older than when most trumpet players begin. More like when they end.

We sat at a little table eight feet from the stage. The trumpet player came first, old, overweight, slow, and blind. A waiter helped him up onto the stage. Then came the guitar player, also of many years, bent over, hunched, if not hunchbacked. A man of much dignity and wisdom. A man who saw everything. He too had to be helped up onto the small stage. Then came the piano player, equally old – late sixties, mid seventies. Eighties, said my love. Also helped up onto the stage. The drum player got up by himself. And of course, the lovely young Indian-looking woman, in middle class dress, who was introduced as the hunched guitar player’s granddaughter, she hopped onto the stage. She played the quijada, the lower jaws of a burro, whose teeth rattled to great effect when stroked by a wand.

The drummer handed the trumpet player his trumpet. He attached the mouthpiece without guiding it with his other hand, perhaps as a matter of pride, perhaps out of habit. After some fumbling, he succeeded. They began playing – slowly, the way old men might begin slowly in the first ten minutes of the day. But then I could see no difference between them and the famous Buena Vista Social Club band. These men were also Cubans, long-term residents of Mexico City. Their music moved me deeply, in a way a way I had not anticipated.

At the table next to us, there were three couples that paid us no attention, and therefore were clearly people of privilege, especially one man who spoke and acted without the reservation one would expect in a public place. A fifty-something boy in blue jeans, sandy curly hair, a soft middle, and a tumescent lower lip. The band seemed to play for him, but without fawning. When the band rested and was helped off the stage, a different guitar player – not part of the group – rushed over to the important table, not to entertain but to accompany one of the women who needed to sing her favorite old songs and ballads. When she tired of singing, a group of three other guitar players appeared, as if on cue, to replaced the first guitar player. The third player in the group strummed a lovely base guitar from Paracho, the guitar making capital of the world, some say. Its rich notes gave cadence to the whole evening. No money exchanged hands. The man of privilege – who commented on everything continuously, as if no one else were present – danced with his companion, who was at least twenty years younger than him. She was tall and blond and contained. She reflected black, making no demands. When he passed his lips over hers at one point, I saw that she kept hers closed, in fact ever so slightly pressed together. Otherwise, she met every caress – his leaning over her, touching her – with the same neutral smile, indulging him, serving as his partner.

The two other men at his table, professionals in some way, did not speak to him. They sat with their backs to a wall without windows. They watched, their eyes on patrol. He did not speak to them. His partner, tall and perfect, did not speak to them. The ballad singer did not talk to them. Nor did any of them send us a nod, not even when the wise hunched guitar player recognized us and welcomed us publicly, through the microphone – “Our friends from Guanajuato.”

I got up and went to find the bathroom, where I lingered, thinking about things, perhaps relishing a moment of solitude.

When I returned, my love said, “When you were gone, he danced with me.”

That was interesting, I thought. The man of privilege had allowed himself one more privilege – and everyone, except the trumpet player, had witnessed it. Even now, afterward, there were no glimpses, no looks from him. No nods, nor smiles. His lady continued to meet his solicitations with her cool giving.

“He danced with you when I wasn’t here? What is that about?” I asked. “Did he speak to you?”

“Not really, she said. “I was busy trying to keep up with him. Everyone was looking. Once he turned to the band and said isn’t she pretty.”

I thought of getting up and asking his lady to dance, but thought better of it. Later, a little petulant, I though of getting up and asking him to dance. But instead I ate my tender moist, almost pink breast of duck, cutting it up into pieces much smaller than is ever my style. Studying the matter, I took small slow forkfuls of the white rice with its delicious mango-ginger sauce. The band played. The other woman at his table – perhaps his sister – sang more of her ballads. Quite well, I thought. And my love’s boyfriend, as we now referred to him, continued to spread his air of privilege throughout the room, with his back to us, hanging as if drunk – though he was not – over his much younger companion, as if nothing at all had happened.

Mr. Bobanosa and the Great-Tailed Grackles

The urraca of Mexico, known by some as the clarinero, is loved by some, despised by many. Mr. Bobanosa belonged to the first group. He found the birds bold and irreverent, mischievous and – fitting for a city with a passable symphony orchestra – so gifted in their song that, in his opinion, the musicians could only learn from them.

Mr. Bobanosa liked to sit in a particular outdoor café under an arching acacia tree that shaded cappuccino drinkers and smoking students from the penetrating mountain sun, and provided a meeting place, indeed a parliament hall, for the Great-tailed Grackles – the English name for the Mexican urraca.

Mr. Bobanosa – unlike the clarineros – was shy and could not begin to meet the gaze of the woman he found staring at him one day, perhaps because of his dignified middle-aged bearing, perhaps for his kind brown eyes, or even because of the smile that often lingered on his lips as he listened to the unrestrained gossiping of the grackles.

He was sitting under the great acacia, in a moment when he was not thinking of his deceased wife, and looked up to see a woman with dark eyes looking at him, as her husband or lover berated her for some real or imagined trespass. Her stricken eyes seemed to be asking him, Mr. Bobanosa, for the understanding that her companion appeared to lack. These eyes, now flooding, remained on him so long that her companion turned in his chair and gave Mr. Bobanosa a dark inspection.

Mr. Bobanosa did not finch, nor did he lower his eyes, but smiled at the man and tipped his hat respectfully, as if greeting an only semi-distant acquaintance. The man, scowling, nodded and turned away to face the woman again, but this time with diminished vehemence.

Mr. Bobanosa lowered his glance finally. He had never done such a thing before, interpose himself in the affairs of others, no matter how great the injustice before him. His usual restraint in the world had left in him for a moment, and this surprised him.

In a while, the couple stood up and passed him – the man impatient and in front, and the woman behind – her eyes sweeping up from the ground and meeting those of Mr. Bobanosa. And he, Mr. Bobanosa, held her gaze and smiled, as if she were someone he already knew, or might come to know, there in the shade of the spreading acacia, in the din of the incorrigible urracas.

But things did not change for Mr. Bobanosa. His life continued as it had before. He played his cello, without the ability that he once had, nor the interest, as when his wife was alive and accompanied him on the piano. He walked in the parks that lay unchanged in his small city. He visited his children. His son was an uninspired banker with an ambitious wife. He took their young boy – arrested in his mental development – for walks, holding him in his arms until his arms ached, all the while unable to communicate with the boy’s indecipherable grunts and squeals. His daughter was a professor of Political Science, but spent most of her time accompanying the governor’s coterie of advisers. She was unmarried and, as Mr. Bobanosa had come to suspect, found the substitute for that kind of companionship in the governor himself, a man with big teeth and a conversational voice inappropriately loud. In short, Mr. B’s most pleasurable moments were spent, not with his children and grandson, but under the acacia at his favorite café, in the company of the exuberant urracas.

Winter passed, spring came with its heat, and then the summer rains began. The mornings were cool, the sun warmed the space under the great acacia, and Mr. B. took off his coat and loosened his tie, as if in recognition that it was a season to be less formal. At the beginning of July, she sat down at his table, took off her white cotton gloves, an affectation, he had to admit, and held out her hand. Her name was Margareta Villanova, her mother German, her father a cattle rancher in the state of Sonora.

They talked, haltingly at first, because Mr. B. was much less outspoken than she. For his part, he bathed in her warm eyes, her almost iridescent black hair, and the wit of her words, and finally in her voice, which he found creamy and seductive. They ate meals together, walked in Mr. B’s parks, even took turns carrying his non-speaking, unreachable grandson. They spent nights together, in tight embraces, and they went to the seashore. They made plans, went dancing, and took a trip to Vera Cruz, and then one to Cuba.

For Mr. B. it was like swirling along the level arc of a merry-go-round, looking here and there, craning his neck to see where she was, trying to close a certain gap in the distance between them, following but never gaining, always ahead or behind.

In January, she did not show up at the café. He called her and left messages, but she did not return his calls. He wrote her and got the letters back through the post office. She was no longer at the address, and she had left no forwarding address. He sought out one of her girlfriends. They did not see each other anymore, she said, and she had no further information. In February, he gave up. The sadness and loneliness he felt was well rehearsed, since it rested on the earlier loss of his wife, and now, once again, it was all really more than he could bear.

He took little comfort in the urracas, the spreading acacia, or the familiar conversational hum of his favorite café. He began seeking other neighborhoods, other parks to walk in, other outdoor cafés to sit in, where people would not know him. At the beginning of April, when the heat was beginning to build, he took a seat under a tree in a café in the better section of the city, where people dressed well and drove newer cars and held important jobs. The tree over his head was quiet, except for a dull sparrow or two. But the coffee was good, and the anonymity soothing. He spread out his hands, taking stock of their shape and the wrinkles on his fingers, and he decided that this – what he had before him, his hands, himself as he was – was what life offered, and it was best to accept what one had, and go on. He would finish his coffee, drink the water the waiter had brought him, pay, and go home.

He folded his hands and looked up, ready to see the world in a new way. Instead, at the table on the other side of the café sat Margareta, holding a handkerchief to her dark eyes and quietly sobbing. Her companion, the same man as before, was angry again, talking in bursts – punctuating this or that with his forefinger, which was aimed at but did not touch her breast.

She lowered her handkerchief. Her gaze fell on Mr. B again, but it was as if she did not recognize him. Then she shifted her glance to another single gentleman sitting closer, and her eyes softened, and the new gentleman shifted in his chair, uneasy but excited by the attention being placed upon him.

Mr. Bobanosa lowered his eyes. He supposed they might shut permanently, or that his heart might stop, or that his next breath would be his last one. He expected his vision to darken. He could hear nothing at all – but otherwise, nothing happened. His breath rose and fell. As if on its own, his right hand moved over and held his left hand, accepting its wrinkles, its substantiality, and its warmth. The air stirred around him, sunlight fell agreeably across his back, he lifted his glass of water, raised his head, and drank. He heard the water as he swallowed. He found it unexpectedly refreshing and new.

His gaze swept upward, past Margareta, up past her scolding, angry partner, up past the new man to whom she would soon turn for salvation. Beyond everything, an ancient tree rose up from behind the café, una laurel de la India, an Indian laurel, spreading its branches forty feet in every direction from its smooth gray truck, the top-most limbs moving slowly in the breeze. Then his eye caught something. He wasn’t sure. But yes. Birds – black, and familiar – with long tails flew in and out of the tree’s cool shadows, performing their usual antics, their usual exuberant social chaos.

He stood up. He paid the waiter. He put the change in his pocket, the paper money in his worn, magnetized leather money clip. He put the money clip into his pocket. In that moment of routine, it occurred to him that there was with as much carbon and therefore the stuff of life in him as in any acacia or urraca.

The result of this thought was that he approached the two tables on the other side of the café – as if to greet friends. He tipped his hat to the new man, who would be next to save her. He turned and tipped his hat to Margareta’s angry companion. He turned to Margareta, lifted his hat, leaned over and kissed her vigorously on the lips. He lifted his hat once more to all three of them, then walked away – listening only for the din of the urracas in the great Indian laurel above them.

Love Song

There is a remote Mexican beach where I go to write. Well, it’s not the beach so much as what’s behind it, a steaming swamp that cools at night and gives off a fragrance that is equal parts ginger, coriander, and cardamom. This time, I sat apart from coconut trees, in order to keep my distance from danger. The moon rose, full and soft and shy. In a pool, at the edge of a bank of light sand, lay—I counted them—seventeen Caymans, one easily twice the size of myself and two, nearly so.

I approached them slowly, from downwind so they could not smell me. I don’t know if they can smell. I don’t know if they see behind themselves. They lay still facing the west where the sun had set, reluctant, I supposed, to give up on warmth. I eased crab-like across the sloping sand, my notebook on my belly, my pen in my mouth. Ten feet or so from the water, I lowered my bottom and sat with my legs out straight. Then, too quick to see, the water exploded – a collective thrash of tails that could have gone badly for me. But didn’t.

The moon wobbled a while in the churn. Innocent waves rolled swampward, without a sound. My heart slowed, and I thought to breathe again. I unscrewed my pen, opened my book and wrote black ink on pages paled by moonlight. I wrote about the Caymans, their eggs – perhaps I was sitting on them that very moment – about their cousins the crocodiles and alligators, about iguanas and lizards, and acquaintances and colleagues at the university where I taught. And then I sang praise, as Medieval poets did, to the special one.

O great horn-eyed beauty, with under overbite, how your scaliness draws me to your stinking bog.

As I wrote, eyes then snouts rose and drifted closer. I wrote on, first about their bellies all soft and white. They closed the gap and rose out of the water, their backs aglisten. The big one first, on tiptoe, hissing that I was on her sacred spot. I thought it was wise to move. Except that something kept me in my place. Was it the look she gave me? Was it the width of her lumpy neck? I angled the trembling page, to catch the moon, so I could read aloud. She stopped and swayed. She lowered herself, slid her lids from down to up, overwhelmed by my Sumpfsang bog song – inclined to weep, softly, at the minstrel’s feet.

In the end, all seventeen caymans lay before me, in swamp formation. The moon leaned forward. The night was heavy, soft, in need of love. Leave no girl un-danced, my mother taught me, and so I did my best. That took time. We stayed until the sand grew sleepy, and I heard my pillow speaking. But when I grunted to get up, the large one unveiled her eyes – from top to bottom – and pinned my boot with two yellow thumb-sized teeth, as if to say, One more, je vous en prie. If you please.

And so I recited something new, on the spot.

Distinguished Lady, of this teeming sink, the moon your mother can’t warm your snout. And even if you let me go, I would not leave, except, of course, to save my toe.

The line appeared to please, because she gave her deepest most gaseous mating wheeze. She snapped her teeth, and I clicked mine back. I was free to go, it meant, I think. And so I got up and climbed the sand, then turned around to look.

They were not there. Not one of the seventeen was exposed to air. There were no ripples, nothing more to see. They had sunk down to rest on muck. My pillow was white, soft, and clean. The moon lay down on the wooden floor. The host was in another room, asleep. On the other side of the beach, the breakers boomed. The house was still. And I wondered whether Caymans actually sleep, in their bubbling sink, or just lie there submerged and try to think?

The Hair and the Heart

(A finalist story in the 2011 Flannery O’Connor Short Fiction Award)

Alain Duprés, a student of musicology and great passions, son of a wealthy patrician, and a distant cousin of mine, left Paris for Morelia early in 1913 in search of the Claude Laurent crystal glass flute that had belonged to Mexico’s French Emperor Maximilian. That poor man had so treasured the instrument that when he was facing his firing squad on a hill above Querétero, the Cerro de las Campanas, on the 19th of June 1867, he asked Juarez, head of the rebelling power, to have the flute placed on a velvet-covered table to one side, so he could be watching the morning sun fall across its silver keys at the moment the bullets took away his breath.

President James Madison had once owned one of these flutes. So had Napoleon. So had Emperor Franz I of Austria. Alain Duprés, my distant cousin, loved things that were historical, beautiful, and fragile. He abhorred violence and was glad to be leaving a Europe that was cantering joyfully toward war. That he chose Mexico is not entirely comprehensible because not far south from Morelia’s central plaza, the rugged volcanic mountainsides were astir with revolution and banditry.

Still, he rented a room for a few pesos a week and looked for a teacher, so he could improve his Spanish. He found Miguel Angel, a medical student, who wanted to improve his English. They walked along the old city aqueduct and talked about Cervantes, Rousseau, and Goethe – in a mixture of English, French, and Spanish. After a few months, they spoke only in Spanish.

Miguel Angel told him about Claudia and showed him a daguerreotype of a young woman who he said was the most beautiful woman alive and that there wasn’t a poet alive who would not fall in love with her. That is when Alain Duprés started to write things down, convinced that he too – since he was so affected by the photograph – must have traces of literary talent.

Miguel Angel liked to visit his Aunt Elena in Erongarícuaro, a mostly Purépecha village on the western shore of Lake Pátzcuaro. Sometimes he and Alain took the train from Morelia to Ajuno, then the Ajuno-Pénjamo line to Erongarícuaro. Sometimes they got off early and walked along beside the shimmering lake through fields of corn, wild cosmos, sunflowers, and marigolds.

Miguel Angel rode in the hills, sometimes with his aunt, sometimes with Alain. When he wasn’t riding, he studied the rich bird life near the lake in front of the town. Claudia lived in a large adobe house at the edge of the marsh. Her mother was Mexican. The previous year, her German father had died of tuberculosis. Claudia liked to sit on the balcony of the house overlooking the lake. Men in carriages and on horseback took detours away from the center of town and followed the dirt road between the walls of the house and the marsh, looking up under the broad brim of their hats, hoping to catch a glimpse of her high cheek bones, dark eyes, and light skin.

Miguel Angel said they had been brought together by technology. He watched the birds with a marine spyglass, a birthday gift from his father, purchased in an antique shop in Le Havre. Once, following the flight of a Lesser Black Egret, he swept the glass past the big adobe house and caught a glimpse of her on her balcony – combing her long chestnut hair. The next time he looked, he saw that she was looking back at him through another spyglass, also made of brass and glinting in the sunlight.

They looked at each other. He touched his hat, put down his glass, and wrote large block letters in his notebook, with many dips in his ink well, Estoy observando los aves, no espiándole, “I’m watching birds, not spying on you.” He held it up but saw that she had stopped looking. He took off his jacket and pinned the sign to the back of it, then put the jacket back on. When he looked again, there was a sign propped up on the wall of the balcony, “Do men really carry pins?” Miguel Angel replied with, “Do women carry spy glasses?” He pinned this to the back of his jacket and entered farther into the marsh.

He asked his aunt to accompany him bird watching, and she agreed to go, because he spoke with such passion about the birds he was painting. But when they had set up his easel and watched the great squawking Blue Herons and the Lesser White Egrets for a while, and when she had watched him sketch a heron quite badly, she thought, compared to his usual work, two women – one older and one younger – approached them. In the younger one’s eyes she saw the same intensity she had seen in Miguel Angel’s eyes; and in that moment she understood that she had been invited as facilitator, decoy and, probably most important of all, as trustee of a young man’s love.

Over time, and with the help of his Aunt Elena, Miguel Angel began to court Claudia. And over still more time, that young woman gave him a thick lock of her chestnut hair. With a wry look that unnerved him, she said there were other things to give him, but that this was what was available now – a token, so to speak, of what would soon be his. In a moment nearly religious for him, he tucked the hair into a vest pocket, where it made a slight bulge over his heart.

Miguel Angel liked to ride in the hills above Erongarícuaro. He followed the carriage tracks to the railroad tracks, crossed them and often continued on up the mountain rather than turning right to go to the station. One afternoon, while riding high above the town and approaching the tracks, he happened on lumber merchant Doña Herminia, who was hauling four of her prized pine boards behind her donkey Burra, dragging them at a slant, their ends on the ground bumping over the ties of the railroad and the blue-grey gravel underneath.

She was a handsome woman of forty with flashing dark eyes and an ironic twist to her mouth, and the afternoon was bright and hot. She noticed the bulge and asked him whether his heart was swelling and whether it was creating complications. He explained it was a thick lock of his love’s hair. None of which she heard—because she was deaf—but understood anyway, through lip reading and inference.

She said that was good, especially since he didn’t have to stuff it somewhere else, which some men sometimes did out of pretense; and that he had discovered the true way to use one swelling to produce another. And the whole time she talked, she stroked Burra’s haunches with her hand, or caressed the tooth marks on her boards that gleamed yellow and new in the afternoon sun.

The sound of the bees and the fields of wild marigolds, the pine pitch from the boards, Doña Herminia’s bright teeth and her square goat’s eye pupils, the way she touched Burra and moved her hips when she talked about the connection of one thing to another—all this made it difficult for Miguel Angel. And then she tied Burra to a tree, brought out tortillas and an avocado and ripe nísperos – loquats – and arranged all these on a Purépecha shawl with stripes in cobalt and cerulean blue, all this in the shade of pirules – pepper trees, in a place overlooking the lake but hidden from the railroad tracks, the station road, and any path.

Miguel Angel tied off his horse and sat down to eat with her. She took a níspero, put it in her mouth, and chewed till she had extracted the two of its shiny, smooth, almost indecent looking seeds. She spit them onto her hand and passed them to him, then with a finger slowly pushed them back and forth across his palm. With her mouth full and chewing, her fingers explored first the bulge with Claudia’s hair and then the spot she claimed was influenced by it.

All this made the afternoon lie heavy and spinning with first the sound of bees, then the rumble of a passing train, then the sound of hooves moving over trails they could not see—the wind whispering in the upright swaying drying corn. With her large brown eyes fixed on him, she bent his head toward her. She smelled of roasted corn, chewed avocado, níspero juice, wood smoke, and lavender. From her long, smooth, black Purépecha braid, which she laid around his neck, came the smell of burro and something older, much older, that he couldn’t identify. When she laughed, her body jiggled like congealed chicken blood. Globs of tortillas and avocado appeared and disappeared in her opening and closing mouth. Then, beneath him, she packed everything into one cheek and crooned, “She’s my Burra, but you are my burro!” – all this to encouraged his snorting, which she could see but not hear. Her own half-choked calls of Jale!—the command for a horse to move forward—drew out and became a soft braying. Soft, because this was still a dangerous countryside to be lying about in, and having your mind on something else.

Afterward, as Miguel Angel slept a drooling deep sleep, Doña Herminia slipped out the balled lock of the chestnut hair, put some of it in a pocket of her dress, and replaced the rest. The four newly sawn pine boards were for Silvestre Vernal, who was an enemy of the great hacienda that occupied the broad mountain basin three miles above them. This was a Spanish family that had ruled in the area as long as anyone could remember. The revolutionary chieftain José Inés Cháves García also operated around Pátzcuaro in 1913, defying federal troops under Huerta and causing concern at the hacienda, to the extent it felt compelled to raise its own militia.

Silvestre Vernal was not a revolutionary. But he was a man with a strong sense of justice. He worked alone, breaking horses and mules for people of modest means. At night, when his sense of justice grew keener, he was a bandalero social who took cattle from the hacienda owners and distributed the meat to the hungry. He was about Miguel Angel’s size, but darker. He cherished his wife and his ten-year old boy Marco. When he and his son rode together, bareback, he would reach back and pat the boy on the thigh and feel a great surge of love for the boy.

By day, the hacienda’s private troop, federalized by the Huertista government, descended on the town, looking for conscripts – boys fifteen and older – beating those who refused, occasionally hanging anyone suspected of revolutionary activity, and always looking for Silvestre Vernal. Sympathetic railway workers stopped trains and unloaded one or two steers at a time in places where they knew Silvestre was waiting. Soldiers, with their horses and Mauser rifles, began riding the trains, to protect the interests of the hacienda. The leader of this contingent was the handsome Lieutenant Solorio Cortés, the son of the hacienda owner, who felt God had meant him to have the lovely Claudia for his wife. Claudia’s brother Ruben disliked Miguel Angel because he was a medical student with a future more certain than his own, and for that reason he argued for the candidacy of Solorio as his future brother-in-law.

It was not long after this that Miguel Angel invited Claudia ride with him, but her brother Ruben would not allow it. There was no engagement, he said, and there never would be. Besides, the mountains were filled with soldiers and bandits. It was no place for a young woman of good family; that Miguel Angel continued to ride there showed lack of judgment and said a great deal about his character.

Miguel Angel asked Claudia to be his novia, fiancée, and she put her hand on his chest, above his heart, on the somewhat diminished bulge of her chestnut hair, and nodded her head yes, and then crossed herself – but not before looking around to see who was watching, because such things were still dangerous. The former Díaz government had declared it illegal to practice Catholicism. Plus, she was superstitious and feared that a private act done publicly could bring the civil war to her doorstep, along with yellow fever and cholera and knew what else that drifted in on the lake’s mist.

If they were to be together, said Ruben, it had to be in front of the house, between the lower garden wall and the marsh, where he could watch through the spy glass and that way protect her virtue. And so that was where they walked, beside the lake, each time pressing farther into the reeds, choosing areas where the marsh cane was the tallest and thickest. They found an old dugout canoe that Miguel Angel caulked with tar and kept hidden. The marsh was laced with channels, and they used the canoe to reach a hidden floating island made from a mass of dried cane. It was here they spent afternoons when Ruben was away. They lay on their backs, hand in hand, floating, listening to the rustling of animals they could not see. Once, when they had begun to explore each other, a young Black Angus bull waded nearby, grazing up to his belly in the dark water, snaking his blue tongue out to the lilies he could otherwise not reach. They listened to chickens back on land laying eggs and to burros braying songs of love and distress.

Claudia’s long chestnut hair began to replace the power of what was left of the lock he carried in his vest. It had the usual effect on him but also greater because there was so much more of it. And so they placed their clothes in the canoe, where they would be dry, and lay entwined on the floating island. The warm swamp water seeped up to touch their bodies. When she looked up at him, she saw the clear Mexican sky, strange sounds came out of her mouth and brought out in him what Miguel Angel supposed was the burro – and sent rings of waves rippling far into the marsh.

One afternoon, when the sun was warm and the wind in the pines sounded like a distant train, Miguel Angel dropped down from the mountain and came out into a field of marigolds above the railroad line. Far below him he saw the adobe church tower of Erongarícuaro. Closer in front of him, in the middle of the train tracks, he saw Doña Herminia moving south with Burra toward Ajuno, dragging four of her fine boards, with her colt Burrita trotting along behind. Farther to the right, hidden by the curve, he saw the “Porfirio Díaz,” coming from Ajuno, billowing out black smoke as it accelerated on the last stretch before the curve. Burra had stopped, perhaps because she felt the railroad ties trembling. Doña Herminia was upset and pulling on the lead rope. Her back was to the train. Because she was deaf, she could not hear it. She was craning her neck to see if the boards had caught on something.

The track made a long curve around the field. Miguel Angel spurred his horse forward. For a few moments, at one point, he was rushing along beside the train. He could see in the windows. He saw Claudia, who was returning from Pátzcuaro. She was wearing Solorio Cortés’s khaki military hat, with its crimson band. He saw her laughing. He saw Solorio siting next to her. He saw Solorio look across at him. Miguel Angel cut the curve and reached Doña Herminia before the train. He told Alain later, he saw the recognition in her face, followed by her wicked smile. She dangled in his face the piece of Claudia’s hair she had stolen from him. The engineer saw two people, a burro and a horse on the tracks ahead of him, and pulled the brake with all his force.

Doña Herminia yelled, “Hey, Burro! Look what I have!” Miguel Angel leaned forward in his saddle to grab her wrist. Delighted, she fought him off and twisted away to keep the hair from his grasp. His horse wheeled and bolted free. The colt trotted away from the tracks. Burra stepped off the tracks. The engine hit the boards, now turned sideways, with the sound of a canon shot, and wood flew in all directions. Miguel Angel’s horse hurtled forward in panic. Doña Herminia disappeared under the train.

The train personnel found her under the last car of the three cars, where Solorio Cortés’ soldiers rode in one half, their horses in the other. One foot lay by itself outside the rails. Burra and her colt grazed on marigolds that grew beside the tracks. A splinter roughly the size of a machete had passed through the back of Doña Herminia’s head and come out her mouth, giving her two tongues. Her mouth had frozen in a smirk. Clenched in her right fist they found a nest of chestnut hair.

Miguel Angel’s horse eventually stopped running and slowed to a walk, then wandered unguided across the mountain. Miguel Angel thought about Solorio Cortés’s officer’s hat on Claudia’s head. That was when Silvestre Vernal, bareback and with Marco behind, rode out of the trees and approached. Miguel Angel knew who he was and was not afraid. He told Silvestre what had happened. They talked for a while and agreed that it was a terrible thing

The train personnel carefully moved the train half a car length forward. All fourteen passengers stood around Doña Herminia’s body. People presented conflicting stories, but the dominant one, supported by the driver, was that a man on horseback had been fighting with the woman now dead on the tracks. It had been a heated discussion, and she broken away. Then he had wheeled his horse and knocked her down intentionally and fled.

It was murder.

The locomotive driver was concerned for any responsibility he might have in the matter, and so he was relieved when he saw something in Doña Herminia’s hand and, playing the role of detective, plucked out the nest of chestnut hair and placed it in his own palm. No one said anything. It was not Doña Herminia’s hair. Hers was Indian black, the color of the urraca, the Boat-Tailed Grackel; and as for the other, there was only one person in the town who had chestnut hair.

Claudia – who had also been standing there – turned and walked away on a path toward town, by herself, without saying good-bye. The other thirteen passengers watched her leave and discussed what it all meant. Lieutenant Solorio Cortés agreed it was murder. He and his troops threw down the gangplank on the last car, led off their mounts. Far down the line, toward the station, Silvestre’s son Marco saw them mounting. Both Silvestre and Miguel Angel assumed they were coming for Silvestre. They moved into the trees. Miguel Angel also had a sense of justice, and he suggested they switch hats and vests. Silvestre thanked him, and said they should switch horses as well, for the full effect. Marco said he would ride behind Miguel Angel. And then they spurred their horses ahead. Miguel rode fast toward town. Silvestre raced on toward the station, where there was a trail that slanted up across the mountain.

When Miguel Angel looked back, he saw the troops pursuing Silvestre, and he did not understand. He stopped to watch. Marco gave a cry, then jumped down and ran across the fields toward the station. Miguel Angel heard the shots and saw Silvestre go down and cursed God for allowing such a lucky shot. He saw his Aunt Elena’s horse continue for a bit, then stop. Marco hurried on toward the station, leaping the furrows of the last the last ploughed field.

A few days later, in Pátzcuaro, Alain Duprés, my distant cousin, paid 2 centavos for the Saturday, November 1, 1913 edition of the Catholic newspaper La Actualidad. He found the article he was looking for. The author had not signed his name, probably because he was not sympathetic to the Huertista government, nor to the Huerta–sympathizing officer he was describing.

“Erongarícuaro: Last week, on a warm October afternoon, Federal militia under the command of the young, perhaps short-sighted Lieutenant Solorio Cortés captured a man who he said was the cattle thief Silvestre Vernal Blanco. His troops marched the prisoner, hobbled and wounded, through a brilliant carpet of wild marigolds, up to the wall of Erongarícuaro’s train station, where he slumped down to a sitting position, his hat falling forward over his forehead, waiting for the troops to have a late lunch of cold tortillas and avocado.

“According to sources, the lieutenant sat off to one side, attended by his orderly, as if he wished to avoid contact with a common criminal. The train from Ajuno, delayed by an accident, finally stopped in front of the station. Four passengers got off. The prisoner sat on the southern side of the station. He did not turn his head. The four passengers looked at him quickly and then climbed into the wagon that would take them down into the town. ”

“While they ate, not far from the prisoner, the young troops cut the tip off of the one bullet each would soon use, in this manner forming the blunted Bullet of Mercy. When they had wiped their mouths with the backs of their hands, they emptied the bullets out of their magazines, put them away, then levered the special bullet into their chambers, and stood up.”

“They propped Silvestre Vernal up against the wall he had been sitting against, smoothed his hair and arranged his hat. The prisoner held a hand over the wound on his shoulder. They saw him gaze left and right along the trees bordering the railroad track, as if looking for someone—where a face did appear, it is said, in a stand of pirules, some distance away, just as a ray of sunlight fell across it, as if God had chosen a boy as witness to what was about to happen.”

“When the lieutenant saluted downward with his sabre, two of the rifles misfired, but eight others did not, and the bullets of Mercy danced the bandit Silvestre Vernal against the station wall and left him sitting again, with a look of surprise, until his head fell forward, as if he wanted to study the marigolds which were all about him. “

“The lieutenant coughed asthmatically from the blue rifle smoke, waited for it to drift to one side, then walked slowly through the marigolds, in regulation boots, which were highly polished, so that they squeaked when, according to witnesses, he approached the sitting body. It is said the officer held his arm stiffly at his side and that it trembled. Then he raised his it up and pointed the long-barreled Smith & Wesson, nickel plated, at the soft top of the bowed head, took one large step back to keep from soiling his uniform, and pulled the trigger, therewith delivering the coup de grace.”

“Officer Cortés then leaned over, gripped the man by his hair and brought up the head to see whether the bullets of Mercy had hit their target, which was the prisoner’s chest. Then he leaned still farther forward, lifted his round metal-rimmed glasses with his gun hand – still holding the Smith & Wesson – looked more closely, and saw that the chest had been ripped open and that there was hair growing on the prisoner’s heart.”

“It is said, by the same witnesses, that he was at first moved that God had chosen this way to confirm the evil that had been resting in the man’s soul. Then he rambled along about how disturbed he was to see that the hair was chestnut colored and then, indiscreetly, that the man he had executed was in fact the cattle thief Silvestre Vernal and not a certain medical student from Morelia.”

“In less chaotic times, this writer would hope that a judicial authority would investigate these matters. But there is no such authority beyond Morelia’s city walls, and humanity is so much the worse for it. That the prisoner had hair growing on his heart, the Church, it is thought, on that matter is unlikely to take a position.”

The rest Alain knew because he was there in the back of the crowd when the body was brought into town. It had been tied over a saddle, and the wounds had bled over the face, making the corpse unrecognizable except for what was left of the vest. Claudia was already in front of the Presidencia where the body hung. Friends held her as she sobbed.
News had spread quickly that the murderer of Doña Herminia, the medical student from Morelia, had pushed her in front of the train during some kind of lover’s spat and had already met his fate and now hung head-down in the arches so close to the door of the Pesidencia that you could hardly enter without brushing against him.

Doña Herminia herself lay just to one side on two striped Purépecha shawls of cobalt and cerulean blue, her severed foot placed close to the leg it belonged to and her head on a child’s chair, to accommodate the machete-sized pine splinter that otherwise would have tilted her head forward at an awkward angle. Someone had placed the chestnut hair she was found with in her open palm.
People pushed forward to see the miracle of the hair growing on Miguel Angel’s exposed heart, the same hair – one could not help noticing – that could be seen in Doña Herminia’s hand. The famously flirtatious board merchant, everyone knew, was a few months pregnant, and the child inside her – people agreed – was very likely alive in side her at that very moment. Claudia listened to all this, and sank deeper and deeper into shock. She could not comprehend that the man she loved was dead, nor that her hair—a lover’s pledge—seemed to be everywhere.

Just when she was about to collapse, the boy Marco came up beside her, pulled at her sleeve and through his own sobs tried to tell her that those were his father’s hands and no one else’s. Then Marco’s mother appeared and confirmed, wailing, that it was her husband Silvestre Vernal who hung in front of them. The women who had held Claudia now held Marco and his mother – who held each other and wept.

The crowd ringed them, in silence, and waited while a bowl of water and some rags were brought to wash the corpse’s face to reveal his identity once and for all. And then, just when Claudia saw that it was not her lover, someone tapped her on the shoulder, and she turned to see Miguel Angel standing in front of her, with tears in his eyes.

Alain said it was then he learned what passion was, for Claudia’s face turned from pale to blotches of red; and her right hand came out and slapped Miguel Angel so hard that he stumbled backward and had to be supported by the crowd to keep him from falling. Then she turned on her heel and marched home without looking at anyone.

She did not talk to anyone for a month. She would not talk to Miguel Angel for a year and only let him approach when she decided that the little girl she had given birth to—with chestnut hair—needed her father. Gradually, she forgave him. He became a doctor. They bought an old colonial house Morelia, with a lovely courtyard garden, and moved in.

Alain, my distant cousin, visited them from time to time. He lost interest in Maximilian’s glass flute, since the story around it seemed pale in comparison to the one he had witnessed in Erongarícuaro. Claudia and Miguel Angel had three more children, all of them girls, and all of them with chestnut hair. The man and wife grew very close to each other and lived into their seventies. In strict confidence, they sent Marcos and his mother money, and later sent Marco to the Escuela Libre de Derecho, in Mexico City, to study law.

Solorio Cortés kept his distance from Claudia after the events described above. The locomotive driver, when deposed, reported, in retrospect, that Miguel Angel had tried to pull Doña Herminia away from the tracks, and no case was brought against him. Two years to the day after Lieutenant Solorio Cortés executed Silvestre Vernal against the south wall of the Erongarícuaro train station, his own body, still uniformed, was found hacked by machetes into four pieces, each of which was suspended by a separate rope from the same beam from which Silvestre Vernal’s body had hung, and this time completely blocking the door to the Presidencia. Someone had stuffed two separate lumps of carefully arranged chestnut hair into his mouth, which led to years of speculation about whether it was, in fact, the original hair that had been found in Doña Herminia’s hand, as well as that which had been growing on Silvestre Vernal’s heart.